The norm of reciprocity can be found everywhere; the Bible preaches the "golden rule" of treating others as you would wish them to treat you, some cultures are driven by the "eye for an eye" mentality, and many people operate on a system of "paybacks." Whether the results of reciprocity are positive or negative, this need to repay others has a great impact on social interactions (Gouldner, 1960).
Fortunately, most of my social interactions involving reciprocity are positive. One of my best friends at Southwestern and I met three years ago when we lived next door to one another in our dorm. We have spent countless hours together and, often, one of us forgets our wallet when we go to eat or shop. Without hesitation, the other always says, "Oh, don't worry about it. I'll just take care of it." Although we've never kept a running tab and certainly don't expect the other person to return the favor (we often forget when who payed for what), the other person always seems to happily provide for the other due to recollections of past reciprocity.
At the end of this summer, my life seemed to fall apart. My boyfriend and I broke up and my 19 year-old parrot (essentially a sibling for an only-child like myself) died within a 24-hour time period. While I don't consider myself to be someone who mopes around all day, I was devastated and could not function. My roommate and another one of my best friends quietly stepped in and made sure that I managed to put one foot in front of the other. When I stopped eating, she made me bake with her. When all I could do was think about what was lost, she made me craft and create things with her. When all I could do was cry, she wiped away my tear and read Dr. Seuss' 'Oh, the places you'll go!' As mushy and sentimental as this sounds, it's the truth. My friend gave me the loving care that helped me pull through the situation. Unlike paying for a meal at Chipotle when I don't have my wallet, the kindness my friend showed me has been difficult to reciprocate due to the immensity of what she did. I bought her flowers, made her cards, baked countless goodies for her sweettooth, and crafted for her, all to no avail. Finally, I admitted a seeming defeat in that I could not immediately reciprocate the magnitude of care that she had given me. Although I'm still trying to make up for a debt I feel I owe, I simply have to remember that, as unfortunate as it will be, she will inevitably need me to treat her as she has treated me and I will then be able to give her what she gave me so selflessly.
Gouldner, A. W. (1960). The norm of reciprocity: A preliminary statement. American Sociological Review, 25, 161-178.
3 years ago
1 comment:
Your blog is really sweet and sad all at the same time!
I think it's very important to have friends in times of crisis. I also had a bad month recently, boyfriend problems and lots of other issues combined into one and overwhelmed me. One of my best friends immediately offered to take me out for ice cream and have a "fix-it" talk. She pestered me every single day to do something fun with her, and sent me text messages simply saying "have a wonderful day!" I was very touched by her actions, and realized that I had probably induced her to be so wonderful to me because of the way I had treated her in the past. When she broke up with her boyfriend last semester, I did the same simple things and made sure she was happy. I see now that the need for reciprocity probably had a big impact on her actions when I was the one in crisis.
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